Saturday, July 24, 2010

Firsts


It has been a month of many firsts. On the 4th of July, while we gathered on lawn chairs at the local park to await the start of fireworks, Paolo held a bottle all by himself. It's so funny that something so small could be such a big deal, but I couldn't help remembering when he was just a newborn and comparing it to how independent he is becoming now.

We took him to a duck pond, which turned out to be a much more disgusting experience than I'd imagined (somehow I only recalled the fun of tossing bread to the birds and not the *extreme* amount of bird crap that covers a place like that). We got a good laugh as a goose chased us around the pond, and even though I don't know if Paolo even knew what was going on, he seemed to enjoy it.

He's getting his first tooth. Now I can safely blame his bad sleeping habits on teething. My husband and I actually had a bet on where the first tooth would appear (I said bottom and he said top). The loser has to be the tooth fairy. Well Paolo's bottom front left tooth is about a third of the way out now and I won! :) I actually don't think Paul's going to mind being the tooth fairy - I think he's just worried about waking him up while trying to get under the pillow. Paolo's still sleeping through the night but his naps are getting shorter, even at daycare, and I just bought some baby orajel to see if that will help soothe those sore gums.

He can sit up now without balancing on his hands. He hasn't actually sat up on his own yet, but if we sit him somewhere he can stay for a pretty long time. He can even stand while holding on to something! I can't believe how big he has gotten. I usually carry him on my left side so I can use my right hand to do other things, but since he's gotten so heavy I'm starting to think I should switch off so I don't become muscularly lopsided.

Now that Paolo is 8 months old I'm counting down the days until I can stop pumping. It isn't so bad at home, but at work it's probably one of the strangest things I could be doing. I walk to this room with my pump bag and a small insulated bag with a blue ice to store the milk. Everyone that sees me knows where I am going which is just weird. Then I check to make sure the room is empty - it is full of filing cabinets and 2 printers - put a sign on the door and lock it shut. I lift my shirt, pull open my nursing bra, set the timer on my phone for 10 minutes and proceed to pump as much milk as I can. I feel like I'm doing some kind of secret science experiment as I pour, measure, seal bottles and put them in the cooler. I repeat this twice more at work and once before I go to bed at night.

I sometimes feel like my life has become a routine of nursing, pumping, diaper changing and cleaning bottles, with some time for my family left at the end. I really do enjoy the time that we have though. When I was pregnant I always imagined what it would feel like to hold, love and raise a baby, but I never knew how much I would adore watching my husband do the same. Watching them bond is almost as much fun, and Paul is a great father to our son. He does so much that I know he would share in the nursing duties if that were physically possible. As a mother there are some things that only I can do, but he makes me feel like I never have to do them alone. That's exactly the kind of partner I need to get through this crazy schedule.




Thursday, July 1, 2010

Distracted Baby


Yesterday I was feeling pretty down. The day started off with my son biting me when I tried to nurse him this morning. He doesn't even have any teeth yet at 7.5 months and he still drew blood. It has happened before when he was very small, but this time it really upset me. Now that I'm back at work full time, I only nurse him twice a day and he's been so distracted lately that I struggle with him every time.

I have to say it's the most frustrating experience. Biologically, you just want to feed your child, and if they're too interested in all the other sounds and sights besides the nourishment you have to offer, it can make you crazy. On top of that, he starts out by chomping down hard to get the milk flowing and this time he actually made my nipple bleed. I pulled him off and saw the blood coming out of his mouth and in the nipple shield (thank god for my flat nipples!) and he didn't seem bothered at all. At that point I actually thought about giving up for the first time and started to cry. I want so badly to nurse him for as close to a full year as possible, because I know it's the best thing for him, but when my body is at risk, how long should I continue? Just the day before I told my husband about how I tried to eliminate distractions at his evening feeding by closing my eyes, looking away, holding perfectly still and even turning my wedding ring around so he could focus on his meal. Not exactly the beautiful bonding experience I imagined when I was pregnant.

As the day wore on I began to forgive and strengthened my determination to get through what I hopefully think is a phase. I talked to a good mommy friend of mine who told me to try for 10 minutes, and if he isn't interested or bites me, set him down and walk away. If he gets hungry later he will learn that when it's time to nurse, he needs to eat. Lets hope it does the trick.

At work, they changed my title from Catering Sales Manager to Catering Coordinator. I'm still getting the same pay, but it feels like I'm being demoted. I know it has something to do with the fact that I'm not being paid by the company I work for any more (instead I get paid by each entity I do catering for in a single pay period), but I can't help but take it personally. I mean, since I've been back it's been busier than ever and I have been working harder than ever before. I feel so devalued and under appreciated. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm lucky to have a job at all in this economy and a title doesn't mean anything. But I will start working on my resume just in case the raise I ask for in August (my 2 year mark with this job) is denied. I know I am worth more and I am great at what I do. Not to sound egotistical, but I know too many women who underestimate themselves and I'm tired of making 2/3 of what my husband makes at his job. I am the essential ingredient in catering operations for 3 restaurant concepts with about 30 units in 5 states, and I deserve to be compensated for what I do. I WILL repeat this mantra and MAKE it happen.