Yesterday I was feeling pretty down. The day started off with my son biting me when I tried to nurse him this morning. He doesn't even have any teeth yet at 7.5 months and he still drew blood. It has happened before when he was very small, but this time it really upset me. Now that I'm back at work full time, I only nurse him twice a day and he's been so distracted lately that I struggle with him every time.
I have to say it's the most frustrating experience. Biologically, you just want to feed your child, and if they're too interested in all the other sounds and sights besides the nourishment you have to offer, it can make you crazy. On top of that, he starts out by chomping down hard to get the milk flowing and this time he actually made my nipple bleed. I pulled him off and saw the blood coming out of his mouth and in the nipple shield (thank god for my flat nipples!) and he didn't seem bothered at all. At that point I actually thought about giving up for the first time and started to cry. I want so badly to nurse him for as close to a full year as possible, because I know it's the best thing for him, but when my body is at risk, how long should I continue? Just the day before I told my husband about how I tried to eliminate distractions at his evening feeding by closing my eyes, looking away, holding perfectly still and even turning my wedding ring around so he could focus on his meal. Not exactly the beautiful bonding experience I imagined when I was pregnant.
As the day wore on I began to forgive and strengthened my determination to get through what I hopefully think is a phase. I talked to a good mommy friend of mine who told me to try for 10 minutes, and if he isn't interested or bites me, set him down and walk away. If he gets hungry later he will learn that when it's time to nurse, he needs to eat. Lets hope it does the trick.
At work, they changed my title from Catering Sales Manager to Catering Coordinator. I'm still getting the same pay, but it feels like I'm being demoted. I know it has something to do with the fact that I'm not being paid by the company I work for any more (instead I get paid by each entity I do catering for in a single pay period), but I can't help but take it personally. I mean, since I've been back it's been busier than ever and I have been working harder than ever before. I feel so devalued and under appreciated. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm lucky to have a job at all in this economy and a title doesn't mean anything. But I will start working on my resume just in case the raise I ask for in August (my 2 year mark with this job) is denied. I know I am worth more and I am great at what I do. Not to sound egotistical, but I know too many women who underestimate themselves and I'm tired of making 2/3 of what my husband makes at his job. I am the essential ingredient in catering operations for 3 restaurant concepts with about 30 units in 5 states, and I deserve to be compensated for what I do. I WILL repeat this mantra and MAKE it happen.
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