Going back to work

As I raced to my son Paolo's daycare on my lunch break, scarfing down a sandwich and hoping he would be awake when I got there to nurse him, I thought to myself - I should start a blog. If not for anyone else to read, at least for myself so that I could remember the first few months of raising my child and maybe for him to one day know and appreciate how much he is loved.

So how did I get to this point? What would lead a woman who is usually the slowest eater at the table, a self-proclaimed foodie, to pack a lunch everyday consisting of things that can be eaten with one hand and then inhale them while driving frantically to breastfeed her child? I for one never thought I would be such an advocate for breastfeeding. It's more trouble than formula, keeps you from being able to go back to drinking after being pregnant and from being able to take any kind of helpful medicine when you're sick. (I finally beat a cold that lasted for 2 weeks, but that's for another entry).

I have to confess that nursing isn't the bonding experience I'd imagined it would be either. I'm usually on my iphone or reading a book or magazine while I feed him, and I don't believe it makes me a bad mother. Any woman who has done it knows it's painful, stressful and time-consuming. To think that everyday for the past 6.5 months I've been exposing my breasts to this child several times a day, only to have them either gnawed at, bitten, pinched, kicked, screamed at or pulled on is amazing to me. Not to say that pumping is any better. I'd take the emotional part of the nursing experience over the cold, unfeeling mechanical suction of a pump. Unfortunately, I'm doing that now 4 times a day just to keep up with the little man's needs at daycare. I know that it's the best thing for him though, and a hell of a lot cheaper than buying formula, so I'm determined to do it for a year.

I loved every minute of the first 5 months I spent at home with Paolo. Well, that isn't entirely true if you count the times when he just cried and screamed while I tried to put him down for a nap in his crib, or the week or so when I had the "baby blues" in a big way. Other than that though, I had fun learning all about being a mother, and watching him learn and grow. I was so sad when I knew the time had come to go back to work. I was mentally trying to prepare myself when the girl who had been covering for me decided to quit, thus cutting my leave short by 1.5 weeks. Not a big deal, but it still made for a shocking transition back into the workforce.

I hate when people ask about your "decision to go back to work." I was reading some parenting magazine the other day that weighed the pros and cons. I keep thinking, "How dare they! What decision?" In my case there just wasn't a choice. I know that things may change in the future, but in this economy and the responsibilities we have to maintain a mortgage, student loans, car payment, etc etc I don't see how any normal family can survive on one income. I can't bring it up at home any more because my husband thinks I'm talking about it as a direct reflection of his salary and efforts, but it really isn't like that. I understand that it's just the way things are, and I always knew I would end up a full-time working mommy. Unfortunately, I've come to realize that no mom is ever fully happy with their "choice" or situation. If I had the luxury of staying home, maybe I would feel unfulfilled or bored. Who knows? It's something that men don't have to deal with, but as women, we do. And that's the way it is.

So as my baby continues to develop and learn new skills, I will keep this blog and chart it along with my own development as a mother. It hasn't been easy so far, but it has been rewarding. And I know that it will only get better...